One of the more challenging things I’ve experienced in my life has been dealing with the complexities of mental illness and the struggle to live a normal life despite it. Despite my best efforts, I find myself infuriatingly inconsistent due to a mood disorder that means I’m occasionally overly energetic, and other times fatigued. In either state, I find it difficult to focus on being productive, either because I’m distracted by a rush of thoughts, or alternatively, too tired to do anything. The midway state between these two extremes is a thin region where I can be productive and effective.
A lot of people don’t really get the extent to which our moods and behaviours can be shaped by something as simple as a little blue pill. For me, the cocktail of medications allows me to function, is an added cost of living, but also comes with the danger that an adjustment can overcompensate and cause me to become the opposite state than what I was in before. It becomes rather infuriating, how easily the balance can be broken, and how obviously I am not in control of my own mental condition.
It’s bothersome. I want to be effective, to be able to productively do the things that I want to do. But often, during periods of adjustment, I find myself struggling to do basic things. When things are working right, I can be quite productive, like my first two and a half years at Huawei were. But then things can go wrong, and I can find myself stuck in the mud, worried that I may never be able to function well again.
I can blame the illness for a lot of things. Lost friends, lost time, lost hope, a sidelined career, and so on. But at the same time I hesitate to. I hesitate to admit to the public that I have this illness, because of the severe stigma that is attached to it. And I don’t want it to be an excuse for my mistakes. But at the same time, it is the reason why I sometimes wasn’t myself, why I can be maddeningly inconsistent.
It becomes a struggle because, in part, I want to hide these facts from people, so they don’t look down on me, so they don’t decide I’m too much of a risk to employ, things like that. My parents always tell me to keep the fact a secret. It’s not something that other people understand, and it hurts my chances to get or keep a job. But at the same time, if I don’t explain why things are happening, do they expect me to be able to keep the job anyway?
We’re expected to be our best, day in, and day out, but for me, that’s impossible. It’s impossible for me to be 100% all the time, and moreover, there are days when I’ll just be useless. How am I supposed to work with this? What do people think I should do?
It’s just bothersome. The world expects us to be striving and achieving all the time. But I literally cannot be that way. Do I belong in this world? Or am I just too messed up to survive?
These are some thoughts I sometimes have. The kind of thoughts that on better days the medications take away. But sometimes they come back. And sometimes I’m trapped by my own mind in a seemingly hopeless situation. At least, hopeless for someone who wants to be effective and productive and to contribute meaningfully to the world.
So, that’s a small glimpse of the struggle. There’s a lot more that I still don’t think is wise to explain. Because most people don’t particularly understand. But hopefully, if you care to, this post helps you to understand a bit of my experience, and why I am the way that I am. Thank you for your time.