Recently finished rewatching the Lord of the Rings movies with my wife. This was her first time watching them, so it was fun seeing her reactions to stuff.
The Lord of the Rings has a special place in my heart. Alongside the beautiful, poetic writing, there is the memory of my grade 8 teacher letting me borrow a copy of the books and reading it back then. At the end of grade 8, I somehow won the English Award, probably because my teacher was impressed that I finished the books, and it influenced the quality of my writing.
I’d later win the Social Science Book Award in grade 12, probably due to some decent projects done in history class.
I still chose to go into computer science in undergrad, mostly because I had the highest marks there, but I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had taken a different path.
Technically, it was Computing specializing in Cognitive Science. I actually was originally in the Software Design specialization, but switched, possibly because I met a girl who was in Cognitive Science. >_>
Later, that choice would lead me to be interested in research in AI, before that was cool, before it got hyped to all hell.
My AI research would eventually land me a job at Huawei, around when I met my wife, who back then, as a Chinese national, was very impressed by my working there, and which probably also impressed her parents and made it easier to eventually get married.
Back to Lord of the Rings for a sec. I once attend an Effective Altruism Global conference back in 2022. While there, I had a few one-on-one meetings with random Effective Altruists. One of them, who was skeptical of Yudkowsky’s stuff, and also into Kant, suggested that, instead of AI safety stuff, I should go write novels in the way Tolkien wrote the Lord of the Rings.
I think the guy had read some of the stuff on my websites and thought I was a good writer for some reason.
Similarly, while I was at Twin Earth, my boss seemed to think highly of my writing, moreso than my engineering ability, which is a part of why I was transitioned from a senior programmer to a writer.
Though, to my knowledge we didn’t really end up using the stuff I wrote for Twin Earth. That game (Elementary Trolleyology) has always been on the back burner, and still hasn’t been released (and I disagree with some technical choices).
In undergrad, before the research bug bit me, I was planning to become a game developer and eventually game designer as a career, and write novels after I retired. Though, after the scandals about working conditions in the game industry hit, I started to think about alternatives…
I recently looked back on my old worldbuilding stuff that I wrote years ago, the “Elementai” magic system I came up with, way back when. I often assume I’ll write sci-fi, but fantasy is also an itch. Been thinking maybe my next short story should be something other than yet another time travel one.
Technically, most of my stories are supposed to be part of a single self-consistent multiverse, that I’ve variously called “Dreamstasis” or the “Aeonian Multiverse“.
This would, in theory, make me a “planner”, but the vast majority of my more or less finished works were done as a “pantser”.
I keep saying I’m going to test my writing by actually writing something again, but I continue to hesitate. I don’t think it’s writer’s block. It’s like… a strange feeling that there is a vast world untouched, and a fear that I’ll disturb its pristine beauty by describing it inadequately.
Or, that these characters in my head deserve to have their story told in a way that I doubt I can do justice to. Right now, they sit in my imagination as potential, infinite possibility.
Perhaps my fear is that I’ll fail them, and their story will be lost to obscurity and the sands of time.
And… there’s always the practical concerns. I should be doing the task list items. I should be doing independent research in AI safety before the world ends. I should be doing something that will actually help pay the bills.
It’s why I chose my path so far.
And so, it stands still. Yet again at a crossroads. What do I spend my time on? Why not both? Why not neither? What about a secret third thing?
I know I should just do stuff and see what happens. Thinking even more is wasteful of the time I have left in this world.
Do what needs to be done.
What needs to be done is to save this world from itself before it’s too late. Writing novels is a kind of first-world luxury, isn’t it? In what world is indulging my childish fantasies serving the greatest good in the long run?
There are fires to put out.
This is the logic. This is the reason.
And also, I have responsibilities. The toddler is very smart, I should devote myself to ensuring he has the best possible future, can become the best possible version of himself.
My wife is the reason I can sit here and say any of this.
She enjoyed the Lord of the Rings a lot. It’s a classic story, where most of the fantasy tropes she loves came from. A lot of my stories would be deconstructions of those tropes, attempts to show their logical conclusions, or explain them with plausible science (the nature of fantasy races like Orcs for instance).
A fun exercise, but probably not that important.
I talk about spreading important ideas into our culture through fiction. There’s probably some merit to this idea, but also, it feels too intentional. If I care about impact, there are definitely other things that are more impactful.
At the same time, I don’t have to just do one thing all the time.
I’m Josephing again. The old term with my undergrad friends for my particular grain of indecisiveness.
I’m older now, and yet I haven’t changed all that much.
I also, still dream, despite it all. Despite knowing better. Despite… well.
But what is the world made of except for the dreams of humanity?