Lately, I’ve been trying to figure out what to do next.
In July, I ended my contract with Twin Earth. It was mostly a formality, as I hadn’t done any billable work in over a year, having spent most of my time taking care of my new child while my wife worked full-time.
That child is finally in daycare, so, in theory, I have time again to pursue my career. But the reality is that the first year of daycare often comes with repeated sickness and instability. So, I’m not sure how aggressively I should pursue work again.
Given that, I also am not sure what direction to take now. My ideal career at this point would probably be either AI Safety research engineering work, or something creative, like indie game design or writing novels.
AI Safety is a small field. Compared to the AI industry proper, there’s something like just less than a thousand people working on AI Safety. And the funding is relatively sparse compared to industry. It exists, but it mostly goes to very smart people who are willing to move to the Bay Area or London. I’m not sure I’m even competent enough to work in the field.
Creative work under my own brand could be fun, but success would be kind of like winning the lottery. Most likely I’d end up spending a lot of time and not making any money. The games or novels I might make -could- maybe be useful for spreading important ideas into our culture. There is the slight chance I could do something meaningful. Even just writing a novel for my child to one day read, like what Tolkien did with The Hobbit, could be worthwhile in a small way.
But there’s opportunity cost. AI Safety -could- be more important to move the dial on. And there’s also the idea of working in the AI industry, or game development, or even just some generic programming job. Any of these would actually pay, and in the case of AI, probably much better.
I do have a family now to feed and ensure they have a good life. A normal person would take that as a good reason to go back into AI, or find some mundane programming job that can pay the bills and make things work.
Of course, as a former dreamer, I want to do something grand and meaningful and big. So, AI Safety and indie creative work have an appeal to me. The latter is probably not prudent, but would be a way to keep my hands clean of the AI mess that is now being created. The former is a way to fix the mess, or at least prevent its worse excesses, but risks encouraging the whole industry, safety-washing as it’s called.
My education, my credentials, the greater part of my work experience, tends to lean towards the technical, the AI work, and to a lesser extent game dev stuff. Writing is something I know I have some talent for, but I’m uncertain if that talent is actually enough to be exceptional, to actually be that much better that my writing would be worth reading over the other options.
There is a massive pile of literature in the world already. Most people will never live long enough to read all the classics, much less all the books they’d be personally interested in. Why add to the pile?
On the other hand, do I think I can actually make a difference on AI Safety? Much smarter people are struggling to figure out how to attack the problem. It may not even be a solvable thing. It could be intractable.
There’s an argument among Effective Altruism circles that the best thing most people can do is to Earn-To-Give. To find the highest paying job they can find, and donate as much as they comfortably can to the most effective charities. On paper, the numbers work out that this is the best thing you can do with your time and energy, unless you are an exceptionally good fit for direct work on the causes that matter.
That would suggest I should go back into AI, and just donate what I can.
But AI is increasingly a field that contributes to a lot of cultural pollution, technological misuse, unethical profit-seeking, etc. To what extent would I be condoning such things by choosing to participate in it?
Realistically, this is a problem for the long term. Right now, with my child in daycare, and potentially seeing interruptions in that, it may make sense to be patient and do something less demanding for now. Perhaps, in the interim, it does make sense to explore creative work on the side, to test whether or not I can write well enough to justify a project of some kind.
I tried testing my game design ability earlier when there was some time when my wife’s parents were here. I was able to finally finish programming the game Star Lance, and create another game called Cities and Tactics. That showed I have some aptitude, though nothing particularly special, I think. I should try writing some short stories, and see if they’re any good…
There are lots of things I should do. I still suck at doing things. I think. I ponder. I have intellectual wanderings and musings. But actually doing things? I hesitate. I question. I doubt. I’m not good at being productive. It makes me think I may not be cut out for any of these things I’ve been considering.
In another life, I would have been something like a political philosopher. That probably could have been my calling if I’d been more foolish. Though realistically, I’d probably have ended up starving instead.
My wife thinks maybe I should go to teacher’s college and become a teacher. She thinks I have the empathy for it. I’m not sure about that. If I want to teach, I’m probably more inclined to write a book about the thing I want people to learn. Dealing with actual people is not my forte. At the same time, teaching seems like a very noble profession.
Maybe I should consider what will likely disappear due to AI first? My two skills in life, programming and writing, both seem to be things that LLMs are uniquely suited for. An unfortunate coincidence, that.
I don’t really know what to do with this. My career was going… somewhere? But now it’s on pause and I’m not sure I can go back. I feel kinda useless in that regard, washed up.
The pivot into game development might have been a mistake, but then, I didn’t exactly have any other opportunities at that moment. I took what was there. I’ve never been in a position to choose between multiple job offers at the same time. I’ve never been that successful, that privileged.
I find I end up just going with the flow. My life is mostly stuff that happened, and I did what seemed to make sense at the time. I never really planned far ahead, aside from maybe choosing to study AI before it was cool. That was a lucky choice, it seems. Though I don’t know the counterfactual, so maybe it wasn’t, who knows?
Anyways, the reality is I’ll probably end up choosing what ever opportunity first presents itself. Right now there’s not much going on. I should maybe be more strategic, but I suck at that too.
Where am I going with this? There’s possibilities, but they are very uncertain. There’s things I can do, but I don’t know if I should. There’s paths to take, but I hesitate. I want a sign. I want some clear instructions from God that this is what I should do with my life. But it seems like I’m not getting a sign, or at least, I’m too dumb to recognize it.
These days my mindset is darker than usual, more melancholic. I’m tired.
I wish I could end on a high note. I want to believe in something. I admit that life isn’t that bad. I should show more gratitude. I know the CBT, I know in theory that things are okay. I just feel a certain way. I guess it can’t be helped.
In case someone is actually reading this, I have these ups and downs. Usually, in the past, I posted during the ups. Recently, I’ve tried posting during the downs, to perhaps balance things, to show a more real presentation of myself, rather than the idealized image that you often see on social media. I’m not sure if I went too far, have said too much that is much too personal and bad for my prospects.
I hope that being so impulsively honest helps people to understand me better. But I should probably cut back on this kind of thing. It does nothing for my cause with recruiters, I think.
Words can come back to curse us. Or they can teach and help us to connect. It’s a matter of wisdom I suppose, which one happens in the end. I want to communicate, because I seem to care what other people think, because what they think leads to how they feel, and what they feel matters.
So, regardless, maybe I should write. There are stories in my head I want to write. I really should stop hesitating, fearing that they will prove my incompetence. The truth is likely that I’ll be decent but not exceptional, like with most of my hobbies.
I have to trust that something will open up. That there is a place for me in this world. Somewhere in the future, things will work out, somehow. I just have to patient and kind and myself.